Well, hi there. I guess it might be kind of hard for me to explain who I am. Let’s see — well, you’ve seen ‘A Christmas Carol’, right? No, it doesn’t matter if it was the Jim Carrey version, though I do have to question your taste if the Muppets didn’t come to mind first. It’s like that. I’m the Ghost of Starbucks Yet to Come.
Don’t close the door in my face! I’m just gonna float through anyway. I’m not material yet, remember? That’s right, I know you already have three of me within walking distance from your place, but I’ve noticed there’s a property for sale a few storefronts down from my current location, and you know me. I just can’t help myself.
Come on, it’s not like you’d be complaining, per se. Right? Having another one of me closer to you only makes it more convenient, and you can’t say that having a Starbucks right next to you is bad for the neighborhood value. You get the nice patio, the garbage bins completely full of cups and sugar packets, the multiple charges on your debit card. You get what you see, baby. I’m expected. I’m smooth as my coffee. Do you think we should put a drive through in this one? It might make it easier to get that morning fix.
Listen, I get it. I know you already have to choose between three of me because we’re equidistant to your apartment. I know that you’re not always into the indie coffeehouse playlist we have on at our stores. And I know that you hate any reminder of the calories in a Frappuccino. (Oops, sorry.) But, come on. Were you really surprised?
You don’t mean to tell me that you didn’t see this coming. It’s becoming a running joke — heck, we’ve been being subverted since Fight Club, man. It’s never stemmed the flow of people to the stores. Let’s be honest. You know you’re still gonna come in for the Pumpkin Spice Lattes in the fall, no matter how much you shake your head at the “Coming Soon” sign. You’ll at least bring your laptop in. There’s no shame in that, I mean, we’ve got lots of new drinks...
What? You don’t want me to list them off? Well, fine, have it your way. Let’s just get on with it. I have to show you something. Take my hand — er, mermaid tail. Look, see? That’s you. In a Starbucks that doesn’t exist yet. Yeah, I know, crazy, right? There you are, just sipping your tea and typing away, the snow falling outside the window. It’s so peaceful.
What’s that? You want to know if you change your ways? Can you sponge away the writing on that plastic cup?
I mean, sure — just don’t go, man. But you’re gonna have to kick that caffeine addiction first. Otherwise, see you soon! Can’t wait to spell your name wrong.
Cameron Gorman is an opinion columnist. Reach her at email@example.com